There has got to be a Light at the End of this Tunnel

I don't know how to feel. I'm excited for my church(Axis) because we're getting kicked out of our building. I know it sounds weird but that means a whole new era and we're really only a year old. However, I'm starting to fall back into hating myself again. I had such high hopes for the year and so far just about everything has gone wrong in some shape form or fashion.

First, I ended up unemployed again for about three weeks. Of course I somehow couldn't let that one go without getting arrested for tickets that I was just too stupid to not get and even more stupid to not take care of them. It's only because of my friends and the father that God gave me that I got out just in time to start a new job.

About a month after that my dad went on a business trip to Seattle. He had a problem with his pacemaker that the doctors still haven't identified, suffered another heart failure, and this time he ended up on a ventilator. My mother and sister got to go get him while I got sit at home with the cats. Wondering if or when he was coming home and exactly what the hell was going on.

Then the next month, my grandmother passed away. We were expecting it and had pretty much said our goodbyes when we had the chance, but losing a cherished family member is difficult and almost traumatic regardless of how or when. I missed almost a week of work because of it which was great because that assignment ended the week I got back starting my next three weeks of unemployment.

I finally get another job and everything seems to be going pretty well. Hell, I was even working up the nerve and getting over my self-hate which, after almost two years, had almost down-graded to self-dislike to ask someone out. I had finally over enough of myself to get the courage and ask when someone asked her out right in fro(t of me. To say this hit me hard is a bit of an understatement. A load of bricks strapped to the front of a truck is overstating it, but the impact was very noticeable.

As if that weren't enough, I get home last night from church(my favorite time of the week because for almost an hour I start to like myself a little) and my roommate/landlord tells me his brother is moving in. That doesn't seem like a bad thing but with the way the rest of my year(or the last two for that matter) had been going it was apparent that I was struggling to pay my bills. We decided it was best for me to move out. Of course for me this means moving back home with my parents.

Don't get me wrong. I love my family and they are the most important thing to me outside of God. The thing is, is that I have spent the last three years doing everything I can to stay out on my own and to try to not be a burden on them. It just feels like a huge step backward and that I am unable to make it on my own.

I don't want to hate myself. I don't want to be under the protection of mommy and daddy. I just want to be who I'm meant to be and to get through all this crap.

Dear God, give me strength, wisdom, confidence. Give me what I need to be the man I'm supposed to be. Please Lord, I want to like myself, even love myself so that someone else can love me and that I can give them as much in return. Please God, lead, guide, and direct me. Please. Please.

Pissed

I wish I had another word for it. I don't. I'm pissed. It's been two weeks since the last time I worked. The people who make their livings finding me a job suck at it. I might have a chance at a real relationship, but I can't fund it(see earlier in blog). On top of everything else, it seems as though I have no real choice in the matter.
Yes, I am(as I should be) checking other avenues that don't involve a temp agency but that's coming up snake eyes as well. I guess my real anger stems from the fact that they made a mistake that pretty much cost me two jobs.
On Thursday I received a call from one office of this particular company telling me about a job that paid less than what I was getting but it also meant slightly less driving. The job was customer service-esque so if you know me than you know I wasn't very thrilled with it. However, it had almost been two weeks since I have worked and beggars can't be choosers so I agreed to interview(not an actual guarantee of a job). I receive a call a couple of hours later from a different office in this same company about a job that paid what I was getting and involved an even shorter drive. It was also not customer service oriented. There was no interview and I was asked to come in for an orientation(as in already had the job). I agreed and was about to call the first office back when I received another call from the second. This call said that they saw that I was already set up for an interview(not a guarantee) and could not come in for the orientation(the guarantee). They also said it was their mistake and that they should never have contacted me about that job. I asked if I had a choice in the matter and they said no. They also decided to lecture me on their company policy which they failed to follow.
Well, I went to the interview. I did my best to try and impress the interviewer(again beggars and choosers and I need to work). Guess what? No job. No problem, right? I mean I have the guaranteed job I wanted at the other office. I give them a call. All positions have been filled, but if someone doesn't show up Monday(If they're smart enough to actually get the job they're smart enough to show up)then I'm in. So now I start my third week of not working.
Now the relationship. I have to be honest and tell you I have no idea what's going on. I can look at any relationship from the outside and tell if both parties like each other or if there's something there in general. If I'm involved directly, as I am now, I don't have a clue. To make matters worse my self esteem and general sense of self worth have taken a direct hit from the aforementioned job situation. Not to mention that even if I manage to muster up the confidence to actually do something about it, that I don't have the money to do something about it.
I think the final nail in this coffin is the fact that other than doing what I've been doing(talking to temp agencies, putting out resumes, and making phone calls)all I can do is pray. I've stated before that I know God will provide because he has provided. But, in the past few weeks I have watched 3 or 4 job opportunities slip through my fingers. Job opportunities that should have been sure bets. I know He'll provide but the timing's got to be better than this. Right? Right?

Limbo

I feel like I'm living in limbo. For those of you don't know, limbo is basically the space between. Usually people reference it when someone is between life and death but my case is nowhere near that severe.
As stated before limbo is that space in between. As of right now I am in that space between jobs(although that should get remedied Tuesday). I am also in that space between lonely and just being single(I'll go more into depth on that in a second). More importantly, I'm in the space between who I was and who I'm meant to be.
The job thing isn't that big a deal right now because, as I said before, it should get taken care of Tuesday. That and if you read my last blog(I still can't believe I write this much) I know that God will handle it because He has done so before. Considering He made the universe I'm fairly certain he can and will do it again.
As for the limbo of lonely and single... It's hard to explain. I'm 2 years shy of 30 and have never had a girlfriend. My love life can best be described as "kind-of dating but not really". I don't like the term lonely but I find that I feel that way most of the time and watching my friends get married and going to the weddings doesn't help. It's not their fault I feel this way and I am truly happy for them and I love the fact that they have that love that continues to elude me to this day. The more I think about it the more I realize that this may be some sort of jealousy instead of just wanting to be with someone. I just came up with that thought two seconds ago and it might make this blog post longer. Now I'm wondering if I'm between lonely and just single or if I'm between lonely and misguided jealousy. Now I'm starting to feel as though I'm overthinking things and am more confused than when I started. All I can say for sure is that I'm not sure about anything. I want a relationship but I'm not sure I'm ready to handle one. Maybe I'll luck out with some zen-like saying like "no one ever really knows if they are ready". Man, even without a solid reference point, I think being single sucks.
Of course all of this is wrapped up in the "Big Limbo": Who I am(or was) and who I'm supposed to be. I don't think who I was would ever have started a church(let alone stuck with it this long). Who I was would never be honest enough to tell people how much I hated myself. Who I was hated myself. But this limbo is good. I helped start a church that is changing people's lives in a tangible, visible way. I am honest enough to tell my friends, the people I love, how I feel and that things actually bother me. I have friends that listen and don't blow me off when I talk to them. And because of all of this I am finally starting to like myself. I don't have to feel the shame of being me because I will be better. Because I'm getting better. And so I walk, in the space between.

Scattering to Focus

For those of you who read my last blog, you know that last week was odd for me. This week ain't helping. I found out yesterday that, as of Friday, I will most likely not have a job. So add this to all the turmoil of last week and you get a nice emotional milkshake(possibly a little stirred as well).
For the last two years I have been trying to find some kind of focus in my life and try to bring things into some kind of perspective. Over the last couple of months I thought I was getting there and then June happened. Last week I lost my grandmother and didn't realize until after her funeral that it will most likely mean some kind of change in the dynamic of my extended family. Whether or not that particular change will affect me or how it will affect me remains to be seen but with the way my life has gone, I don't see how it will turn out well. At least at first.
I can tell you that after the funeral and the visit with my family that I feel a lack of accomplishment. I know that usually means failure but I don't feel as though my life is a failure. I just feel as though I haven't really done anything in or with my life. Maybe this is failure in and of itself but I refuse to let myself get mired in that thinking in the hope that I will finally do something right and get something done.
A familiar feeling swept over me afterwards as well. A feeling of loneliness. A couple of my cousins' kids have gotten married and have children. However both my sister and I have never married or have kids and because of that it almost makes us outcasts in my family because we haven't done what everyone else has done. I know it's ok that I'm not married but I have also never dated. This has led to an almost constant feeling of loneliness that sometimes hems in my view of the world and darkens my view of myself. Watching friends and family get married doesn't help this and the worst part is that I know the problem lies with me not getting over myself. Maybe someday I'll take the advice that I have given others so that I'll be able to open my eyes and see that I'm not alone.
As for the job. Well, that goes back to my sense of accomplishment. I have never chosen a clear career path and I never really majored in anything in school(even when I went to class). I have worked several different jobs and have found none that truly fulfilled me. Before I was able to temper this by saying that work was just there to pay the bills and everything outside of it would give me what I was looking for. I still believe that but would hope to have a job that would give me some sort of satisfaction by the end of the proverbial day.
There is good news. I do have Christ. Because of Him I have a whole other family that truly cares and doesn't judge regardless of my station in life(or how badly I screw up). Because of Him I have friends so I'll never truly be alone. And because of Him, I have always been provided for and because of Him I will have that provision again. With everything in my life going off like fireworks, the epicenter is Christ so I think I'll just focus on that and let the rest of the shiny exploding lights fade out and fall where they may.
I think I just made myself feel better about confusion.

Strange Trips

As most of you know, I went to my grandmother's funeral this week. It has to be one of the strangest trips I've ever taken. First, I did the driving. It's the first time I've ever driven more than 1 and a half to 2 hours so 7-8 is a good break-in. Second, it actually went better than I thought it would. Third, It was also worse than I thought it would be.
The drive wasn't so bad so I won't even go into that. As for being better than I thought it would be... Well, everyone in my family, including my dad, was on their best behavior. Everyone was nice to each other and it seemed like everyone was getting along. It was a time to see all the family that I haven't seen in about a half a decade or more and it was a time to share some really good stories and great memories of my grandmother. For those of you who are christians, the funeral was awesome. It was a celebration of my grandmother's life, her faith in God, and the work and the example she left behind as her personal legacy.
Things did get bad in a few areas. One of my cousins is actually having to take care of his sister's kids because, as of right now, she isn't able to. It's a whole problem with drugs and squandering their inheritance from their father. Her husband is in prison because of some kind of indecency charge and the CPS has an open investigation going on to see if she gets to keep her two kids because of all of this. Up until now I had no idea what was going on with them and that hurts because he was one of the people in my family that I was closest to and I haven't stayed in touch well enough to know what's been going on for the last 3 years.
There were a couple of times I almost lost my temper. This has to do with another cousin of mine and his wife having no control over their children. My grandmother had 17 grandchildren of which I am the youngest and none of us were ever allowed to pull the kind of crap that these kids got away with. That got a little better on the last night when even my cousin got fed up with their behavior.
In-fighting. I don't think I understood the true meaning of the word until this week. Even with all I've laid out before this, I still know that I don't know everything that's going on in my family and at this point I'm good with that. That's about all I've got as worn out as I am but there may be more later.
Thanks for reading. Hopefully sleep will help.

This Should be an Interesting Week

This should be an interesting week. Today, after my birthday lunch with my parents and my sister, I was told that my grandmother was taken to the hospital and that she was not expected to make it through the night.
I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about it and how I'm going to handle it. I love my grandmother and she is actually a very prominent figure in my life but I actually haven't talked to her in a couple of years. That is very much my fault and I am sorry about it but it's one of those things that I just found too difficult to deal with because of what I was hearing about my mother's phone conversations and the visits she had with her. My grandmother's memory had been failing and I remember my mom saying how my grandmother had trouble recognizing her. My grandmother is one of the biggest symbols for strength and love in my life. She basically took care of me and my sister for a couple of months while my mom was helping to take care of my dad in the hospital(My dad had a near fatal accident at work when I was five and there was difficulty in managing the family and trouble with the finances, she helped out with both). Again my emotional cowardice is what prevented me from making a phone call or trying to visit.
As for how I'm going to deal with it has more to do with the rest of my Mom's side of the family than it does dealing with my grandmother's death. I feel I have made my peace with her death because I saw it as the inevitable outcome once the family had decided that it would be better if she were in a rest home instead of her own home. However it will be difficult to imagine life without that extra part of it being there.
As I stated before, the real difficulty will be with dealing with my extended family. Ever since the late 90's both of my aunts have been jealous of my parent's "money". Instead of being happy for and proud of us coming back from the edge of poverty(a rockin' little side effect of my father's accident when I was five), they are somehow bitter and jealous. I put money in quotation marks because it's not so much actually having money as my parent's ability to effectively use money. This has caused an unnecessary rift between my mother and her sisters for quite some time now. I believe that my grandmother's imminent passing caused my mother's oldest sister to realize that life is shorter than she would like to think and that all this bitterness and jealousy would eventually eat her from the inside out. As for the other one... I can only pray that she realizes that here family is more important than whatever strange sense of pride or maybe righteous indignation.
I suppose the best thing I can do is to just be me. To just sit back, try to take in as much as possible, and uncharacteristically speak only when spoken too and choose my words wisely. For those that read this I am willing to entertain any and all encouragement and advice.

Something I've Been Putting Off

I'm sorry to my friends for putting this off so long but once you read the rest you'll understand why it was so difficult.

Dear Dad,

I really don't know how to start this except to just say I'm sorry. I feel guilty for how I have wronged you in the past. You probably don't feel and don't see it the same way I do but I need to say it... All of it.

I feel guilty for a lot of the problems you have or have had. The first and most prominent in my mind is the seperation. The first thing you did was to tell me it was not my fault. Later, however, you told me about how you and Mom had been having problems in the past and that you were staying together until you children had graduated high school and gone off to college. At the time I was the one who was left at home. When you told me it made me feel like I was the reason you stayed in what seemed (at the time) to be a loveless marriage which meant to me that I was the biggest reason for your unhappiness and the reason why you felt like you hade to stray. I know it wasn't true then as it is not true now and I know it will never be true but I still feel responsible.

I also feel responsible because of the way I lied to you all through school. How I told you I had done my homework just so I could sit my room alone and watch television. I know this made you very angry mostly for the fact that I completely betrayed your trust for something so completely stupid and infantile. I also know that it made you mad because it betrayed the potential you knew and still know that I have. It must have stressed you greatly with all the time that you worked just to give me the things that I needed and wanted and I feel now that I threw every sacrifice you made for me back in your face.

The trend of lying seems to only have continued since I gratuated from high school in the form of my driving record. Like an idiot I kept getting tickets. I kept not telling you about them and I kept not taking care of them. It seemed the only way you knew about the tickets is when the warrants came to the house. I have been arrested twice because of this. What's worse is it seems that it could not have come at the worst time. The first time only a couple of weeks after you lost your oldest brother and the second a couple of weeks before what may have been the worst heart episode you ever had. The stress that this had to have caused you makes feel almost directly responsible for at least part of the trouble you have been having with your heart.
Again I know this is not true in my head but my heart says otherwise and again I am sorry.

I'm also sorry for not letting you know that I was having trouble with money. I know that you want me to be okay and to have nice things and a nice place to live. I know you want to help and I'm sorry for not letting you until things got bad enough that I almost lost my truck. The truck you cosigned on. The truck you proud of me for getting and proud of me for having a job that would pay for it.

I know you love me and I love you. I want to make you a promise. A promise that I will be better. A promise that I will try to be the man you raised me to be. A promise to let you know that should something happen to you that I will be ok and that I will be able to do something, no matter how small, to help take care of Mom and Jill in much the same way as you have. I know that my record in the past does not give me much credibility but please believe me when I say I love you and Mom and Jill with everything in me which is everything that you tried to instill me when I was growing up. I love you.

Your son no matter what,

Andrew